Worldcon 2019: A bit of a shaky start!

So… I’m at WorldCon 2019 for the next few days, and I’m struggling a lot already. Due to a bunch of factors I’m not here as an official Rebellion person, which is simultaneously making me feel guilty for not helping enough with prep/panels/author signings and giving me major imposter syndrome as I don’t feel I can introduce myself as part of a team I’m not really acting on behalf of at the moment. I’m also struggling with my memory issues (15 years of depression has left me with blanks and problems recalling things, which usually I compensate for – if you know me, you know I love my go-to lists and calendar!) but it’s always highlighted in huge social situations when I can’t always recall a name/face/book/connection as fast as I want for the conversation…

And then add in a dose of social anxiety and feeling like I’m just saying and doing all the wrong things, me feeling like a very small fish in a very big pond where I don’t know many people personally so am struggling with conversations, anxieties with food that mean I’m not always managing to eat when I need to, introvert exhaustion that means I don’t feel I can attend all the events I want to/should/could, professional and personal worries that I’m not seeing the right people/meeting People I Should Know/chatting to anyone I do already know…

I’m just feeling like a tiny fractured mess hiding in a corner and waving a small flag that says “I do like books, honest!”

It is just me, though: the Rebellion crew have been absolutely fantastic and everyone’s been absolutely lovely and so welcoming, and the con’s been friendly and open and looks interesting, so I don’t think there’s anything anyone else can do – I just need to keep going and keep talking to people! Had some lovely conversations yesterday and it was really great to meet some people I only know from email or books, so I just need to hold on to the highlights and take time out when I need it…

But if you are here and do spot me, come say hi. I am feeling very lost and would appreciate a friendly face to help wave the “I like books, honest!” flag.

(Probably wearing another ridiculous slogan today – likely “Books: helping introverts avoid conversation”!)

(Already having so many anxiety worries over even saying any of this, but… bah! I’m going to be ok. More tea, and then just go do things!)

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