I’ve been having fun for the last nine months or so, trying to get some help to sort my head out. And by “fun”, I mean “want to scream at something and am probably more screwed up now than I was when I started.”
So, I figured: I’m feeling depressed and grey and numb and I’m coping, yes, but I’m not necessarily getting any better. Let’s see if someone else with more knowledge/experience/solutions might be able to help?
Talking Space
TalkingSpace is offered in the UK via the NHS, as a starting point for any mental health issues. You can self-refer, which is nice (saves going via a GP!) and they cover a wide variety of issues and problems.
However, the downside is that They Have A Checklist. You must work your way through this Checklist, because they need to make sure they’ve offered you all the (cheaper, quicker) forms of help, and make sure that you’re Doing Them Properly, before they can even think about offering you anything else.
And saying that you’re already doing X doesn’t count, because you don’t know what you’re talking about, and you might be doing it wrong.
(I can understand the rationale behind this, because even the most experienced person can learn new things – and I have always tried to be open to new therapies and new courses, because if I even learn one new thing, then that’s a bonus! But it also feeds mightly into the “You’re Doing Your Own Mental Health Wrong” and being outright dismissed when you say that you already know something… not guaranteed to help anyone’s mood.)
I’ve summarised my frustrations with CBT before but, of course, by turning up with Depression and Anxiety, that’s top of the list of solutions. And being told to do it again… fine, I’ll do the online course. I’ll get the tick in the box. I went through the entire course in a week, making helpful little notes as I went, and I think the person at the other end of the phone was both irritated and resigned when we had the next phone appointment; I had told him that I had 15 years experience of CBT, after all…
We had a conversation on general life; am I exercising enough? Relaxing enough? Eating well? Sleeping well? (Yes, yes, yes, yes.) He then suggested that maybe I wasn’t using my personal relaxation time correctly, and not doing things that aligned with my values. (Because of course, I can’t even relax in the right ways.)
Another check sheet. Another list. I sweetly pointed out how everything I did to relax did align with at least some of my values.
“Well, it sounds like you’re doing everything right…”
Ya think?!
It’s not like I’ve lived with this for half my life. It’s not like I’ve learned to function with it, and I am doing my best to GET MYSELF WELL. I am doing my best to make sure that everything I do benefits myself – and that means staying well, staying healthy, exercising as best I can within my body’s limitations for that day, making sure I relax, making sure I keep working and doing and keep my brain active.
I. Am. Goddamn. Trying. And for every single mental health service to start with “Well, you’re not doing it right” gets exceedingly wearing.
(Although, I admit, they are obviously coming from a place of wanting to teach you something, because if you knew it all, you wouldn’t be asking for help? Hence my philosophy of being open and saying yes to things, in the hope that maybe I can learn a new way of doing something, or find a way that works better for me. But sweet zombie Jesus is it frustrating to constantly be told I don’t know my own brain.)
BetterHelp
So during the six months that it took TalkingSpace to work through their Checklist, I took things into my own hands, and tried BetterHelp on the recommendation of a friend.
It was… ok. It’s quite easy to get set up on, and the major benefits of it are that you can pick your therapist (and switch very easily), and also schedule sessions very flexibly. It’s all done via the website/app, so the therapist never knows your phone number, and you have access to a chat feature and “I need to contact you outside of a session” messaging whenever you need.
The downside of it is that (at least I found) most of the therapists are in the US, which meant odd scheduling hours, and it was quite hard to pick someone; I could understand if you need someone specifically for family therapy, or don’t want someone religious, but I just… needed someone to talk to? It is also somewhat expensive – I had a code for two free weeks but only managed to schedule one session in that time, which isn’t really enough to get to know someone. So, mixed feelings at the start.
I got to talk a bit in the first session; there was a questionnaire to do, which helped a lot as I felt it covered a lot of the background info, so the therapist was fairly up-to-speed on everything. We spent a while chatting about everything; home, family, mental health background, what I felt the problem was. The therapist was fairly chatty too, so I learned a bit about them, but it was in a good back-and-forth way, so that was nice.
Second session was a bit more frustrating. I found it harder to talk; the therapist spent more time talking, which was ok, but again not the most helpful thing when it’s talking about how I should feel, or making assumptions. The break point for me came when we were chatting about strategies, and they suggested dreaming more – which, of itself, is a fairly good suggestion… but not a great one for me. I have always found it very hard to visualise anything in the future (I never had any sort of career plan, for example) and that, combined with the fact that I have had things that I’d had as life goals, and then walked away from them… it’s not really something I enjoy doing. Then add in the fact that (not being immodest, but…) I could probably do anything that I wanted to, IF I wanted to – and that’s the problem. I can dream about owning a bookshop-cum-coffee shop*, but a couple of minutes’ thinking tells me that it’s a really daft idea, particularly in the current economic climate – and the fact that I hate dealing with people most days. I want to run the book side, and have someone else run the coffee side! Add in locations, rents, business problems (I already run Book Polishers, so I know some of the business fun) and dealing with the general public, booksellers, book buyers… it’s not a fun dream. I could do it: I just don’t want to. And so dreaming, for me, becomes impractical – and it’s not fun. There aren’t any “pie in the sky” things; it’s too easy to bring them down to earth.
And then the therapist spent fifteen minutes telling me about their dream, and what they wanted to do. (Run a heated greenhouse cafe in a wintery US state, which does sound fantastic – being able to go somewhere warm and humid with beautiful flowers when it’s cold outside? Bliss!)
But… seriously? I am paying for this service. I am the one trying to fix myself. I am the one needing help. Why am I spending a quarter of the phone call listening to someone else tell me their dreams?! (It feels so self-centred to be annoyed that someone isn’t focusing on me, and I have spent a lot of time trying to balance my innate desire to stay in the background and listen to people with the knowledge that for this to work, I need to be the centre of attention. It’s horrible and it’s so hard.)
But, after that, I changed therapist. I had a five-minute call with the second person; five minutes of broken connections, crackling lines, and awkward chat via the app; and then I gave up. Cancelled the service, and went and hugged my cat. I can’t afford it, both monetarily and emotionally; I can’t face starting over again with someone else, explaining everything AGAIN, paying money I don’t have for something that might not help…
My friend (who recommended the service) said they went through four therapists before they found their good one, and I get that – people aren’t always going to be compatible. But it’s just extra time and emotional energy on top of everything else. I might go back to it at some future point when I have some spare money, and try to find someone in the UK (for a hopefully better phone connection!)
*Called Lucien’s, for some reason – I can’t remember why I picked the name. I was trying to work out if I could do a lending service instead of a bookshop, because a coffee-shop-library sounds more fun than a bookshop, and means you can sit in the comfy chairs and read! A friend suggested adding cats, too, which is an excellent idea.
Employee Assistance Program
I got a tick on my “Mental Health Bingo Card” from this chat, at least: “Well, you sound fine.”
Yes. Yes, I do sound fine. That is because – like a lot of people who have to function in society with bad mental health, because otherwise we can’t buy food or pay rent and it’s perfectly clear that the damn Tory Government doesn’t give a fuck about helping, so don’t expect any social assistance if for some reason you can’t function in a job, and if you don’t have a pile of savings or for some reason don’t want to live off your parents when you’re trying to be an independent adult – I am very, very good at pretending to be fine.
And if I say I am not fine, it’s because I am most definitely. Not. Fine.
This chat line was via Rebellion, and was offered as a multi-problem service (they can help with debt, family issues, mental health, etc.) You could ring a helpline and get put through to your service of choice! Yay. So I rang one evening when I was feeling moderately ok but definitely not Well, and thought I’d see what they had to say.
Not much, as it turned out. I got sympathised with, but told that I “need to have a problem to solve” – apparently “being depressed” is not a specific enough problem. I’ll actually accept that as a somewhat fair thing, though, because they’re only able to offer six counselling sessions (which is a rant all by itself, because of course six sessions is enough to cure any problems!) and I can see that having an end goal in mind for that would be beneficial. My issue, of course, is that if I knew what my problem was, I’d be trying to solve it myself… and I’m asking for external help because I don’t know what the problem is…
My particular Person At The End Of The Phone was, however, also very fond of the sound of their own voice, so I think I got ten minutes of talking versus their twenty. It’s always fun when you phone someone for help and they spend more time telling you how they think you feel, rather than actually, y’know, asking you. (And then maybe letting you tell them? That’d be good too.)
All in all, an incredibly frustrating experience – but hey, I can “call anytime!” For more of the same? No, thanks. Hard pass.
(I did pass my experience and thoughts on to our work HR, though, so at least they have one black mark against them if HR do decide to look into alternatives.)
Psychological Therapies
Speaking of frustrating, my brush with NHS Psychological Therapies was… also fun.
I was referred to them via TalkingSpace, with the aim of trying something – and I’m up for that, because at this stage I don’t know what will help. I can’t remember the name of the therapy it was supposed to be, which is annoying, but it was basically to do with examining your emotions as they happen (which I have only figured out afterwards, when trying to analyse the appointment.)
The therapist was nice, but the first consultation was an assessment, and she… just tried to get me to talk. “What would you like to talk about?” she asked.
I. Don’t. Know.
I did point out that I could spend an hour talking about the print production process for fiction books, and could she give me some pointers on what would be most useful for her? (She did start asking some slightly more useful questions after that.)
She also, infuriatingly, would ask close-ended questions. “That must have been frustrating for you.” Yes, it was. And? Do you want more information? If so, what aspect would you like more information on?!
I was actually getting fairly angry towards the end of the second session, because she simply wouldn’t tell me what she needed from me: the first session was assessment, yes, and she suggested a therapy. Ok, great, I’m up for trying that! The second session… I couldn’t understand if it was the actual therapy, or still assessment, and if she needed more or less detail on situations, or what she actually wanted me to talk about… she’d had a “yes, I’ll try it” from me, so – did she need more information? Another yes? What was I supposed to be doing?
What it boiled down to, I eventually discovered, was that she was trying to get me to display my emotions.
So, let’s summarise the problems with this.
- I try not to display emotions in a professional or meeting setting, because that IS NOT THE TIME;
- I have spent YEARS making sure that I am able to be professional and calm and collected in front of other people even when I feel terrible, because randomly crying on someone is not helpful, and is often actively unhelpful (especially if you’re a woman, and double especially if you’re a woman in a professional setting);
- I was deliberately trying not to display my emotions because, silly me, I’d assumed that she was actually wanting to talk to me, and spending half the session in floods of tears doesn’t seem like a good use of anyone’s time;
- And most importantly, I am not going to cry in front of someone that I have met for an hour, via Zoom, and frankly don’t like very much.
But apparently I am not suitable for that type of therapy because – I am summarising here – I can’t cry on demand.
It’s just another bundle of straw on the ever-growing pile of fury at mental health help, really. I’m not doing it right. I’m not saying the right things. I’m not feeling the right way. I’m not Being Depressed in the Correct Way. I just Don’t Understand and needed to somehow do the right things, despite not being psychic and knowing what the right things were? Asking gave me a black mark, too, as apparently I needed to be led, and needed the right answers to be pointed out? Or something like that. I don’t know.
Anyway, fuck that particular therapy.
And now?
Thankfully the NHS therapist was quite happy to refer me back to TalkingSpace (I caught a definite whiff of “Getting rid of a potential problem client that Won’t Do What I Need Them To Do For This Therapy”) and TalkingSpace have said they’ll refer me on to a traditional counselling service, as they think that just talking to someone might be helpful.
I might have rolled my eyes quite hard at that, because that’s what I’ve been asking for all along. But hey ho, they’ve got a Checklist, and it looks like I’ve now reached the point where I might be getting useful things.
In short: I have been through various therapies, and have got no further forward, and a lot more pissed off. Yay for mental health help!
(The counter to all of my frustration, and the only thing keeping me sane, is that it is so hard. With a broken leg, at least you can do an X-ray and see how it broke and how to mend it and if it’s healing. With mental health, it’s an ongoing process, changes day-to-day, depends on the person, and depends on so many other random factors that I sometimes wonder how on earth our salty lump of bacon even pilots our fleshy meat sack without doing a Windows Update every ten seconds. So anyone trying to work with someone else’s mental health is hugely impressive, as trying to figure out my own has been hard enough.)
My current strategies?
We were over near our definitely-not-local fish shop (there is a local one, which isn’t yet open… progress on that is a matter of fierce anticipation for everyone in the area!) and picked up some for our neighbour as well as ourselves – perfect social distancing food, as everyone can just eat out of their own boxes! We had old fence wood to get rid of, too, and so we got to use said neighbour’s fire globe… and the wine, well, you gotta have a glass of something. It was a nice, quiet evening, and was very much a balm to the soul – plus we got some cat company, which is always a pleasure. (The fish may have had something to do with that, I admit!)
I’m not doing a whole bunch of stressful admin for an old house (it’s been handed over to a lovely agent, who will definitely be better than me at remembering when to get new certificates for everything, and trying to fix everything that’s gone wrong this month) and it just feels so much better. I’m a bit frustrated at myself that I didn’t ask for help earlier (to be fair, I didn’t realise that I could) but better late than never, I guess.
We’ve got a few more plans, too, which feels nice (and like they might actually get done!) – dig in the path, sort the patio, add some plants to the fence (we have some small flexible plant pots, so we want some climbers/smellies/herbs in the pallet holes), tidy the shed, and sort the compost. But it feels like a nicer area to be in, and that’s really satisfying.
New job (as of almost two weeks) at Elsevier, doing journals admin; it doesn’t require me pouring my heart&soul into anything, but does require boatloads of organisation and being left alone to do said organisation, and is therefore AMAZING. I am very much picking everything up, and will be for the next year, but it’s been good so far and they’re all lovely. I am also still doing freelance work, which has been good & steady, and I’m enjoying all the random books I get to format.
CAT! Grumpy. Cute. Fixated on biscuits. Managed to tread perfectly in his own poop, which… is actually quite impressive for a creature that’s supposed to be an apex predator. (Thankfully he cleaned his own paw off from said poop incident, although I won’t share the method. Safe to say I’m not going to be going with the Cat Method of Cleaning anytime soon.)
Friends & family! In the last month or so I’ve seen an old friend (after three years!!) and we got welcomed by a blackbird family too, which was adorable. I have also been enjoying the sunshine with a neighbour, met another friend and had a very long and excellent grumble at The State Of The World, trundled over to see a good friend in Swindon (we had distanced pizza, which rocked) and I also got to see my family, which was great. It feels like I’ve used a lot of spoons but it has also been lovely. (Yes, suitable precautions were taken for all of these instances.)
