Tag Archives: mentalhealth

Worldcon 2019: A bit of a shaky start!

So… I’m at WorldCon 2019 for the next few days, and I’m struggling a lot already. Due to a bunch of factors I’m not here as an official Rebellion person, which is simultaneously making me feel guilty for not helping enough with prep/panels/author signings and giving me major imposter syndrome as I don’t feel I can introduce myself as part of a team I’m not really acting on behalf of at the moment. I’m also struggling with my memory issues (15 years of depression has left me with blanks and problems recalling things, which usually I compensate for – if you know me, you know I love my go-to lists and calendar!) but it’s always highlighted in huge social situations when I can’t always recall a name/face/book/connection as fast as I want for the conversation…

And then add in a dose of social anxiety and feeling like I’m just saying and doing all the wrong things, me feeling like a very small fish in a very big pond where I don’t know many people personally so am struggling with conversations, anxieties with food that mean I’m not always managing to eat when I need to, introvert exhaustion that means I don’t feel I can attend all the events I want to/should/could, professional and personal worries that I’m not seeing the right people/meeting People I Should Know/chatting to anyone I do already know…

I’m just feeling like a tiny fractured mess hiding in a corner and waving a small flag that says “I do like books, honest!”

It is just me, though: the Rebellion crew have been absolutely fantastic and everyone’s been absolutely lovely and so welcoming, and the con’s been friendly and open and looks interesting, so I don’t think there’s anything anyone else can do – I just need to keep going and keep talking to people! Had some lovely conversations yesterday and it was really great to meet some people I only know from email or books, so I just need to hold on to the highlights and take time out when I need it…

But if you are here and do spot me, come say hi. I am feeling very lost and would appreciate a friendly face to help wave the “I like books, honest!” flag.

(Probably wearing another ridiculous slogan today – likely “Books: helping introverts avoid conversation”!)

(Already having so many anxiety worries over even saying any of this, but… bah! I’m going to be ok. More tea, and then just go do things!)

A Quick Kate Update: July 2019

This Is How You Lose The Time War is now out (wheee!)

Peter Cat got himself hurt on something on Sunday, which meant a worrying trip to the vets and a very fetching bandana, and also a rather large vet’s bill. Yay. He’s now home and Very Grumpy that we won’t let him outside… I don’t think anyone’s broken it to him yet that he’s not allowed out for two weeks. He’s going to be Exceedingly Grumpy at that point! However, he is fairly stylish in a bandana-bandage sort of thing, and is being more affectionate to everyone in the hopes this will bribe us into opening a door for him. (It hasn’t worked yet.)

Uncanny Magazine and Strange Horizons both have Kickstarters on at the moment – consider supporting excellent writing! (I really need to get my budget for writing magazines sorted… there’s so many I want to subscribe to!)

At the moment I’m reading The Strange Case of the Alchemist’s Daughter, and it’s one of the first things I’ve enjoyed outside work for a while – I’ve had a bit of a reading slump so it’s nice to want to read something.

My curtains are currently moving strangely. I think this is due to the Small Black Fluff on my windowsill, staring intently at passers-by.

I’m using Drops to learn Norwegian; while I’m mostly building up vocab at the moment, it has a strong insistence on being able to say “I am allergic to peanut butter” and that I know the words for “body”, “umbrella” and “goodbye”. I am wondering at what point I need to ask it if it’s ok. (The app is actually very good; it drips new vocabulary in and uses images instead of English words, plus it’s very easy to use. Currently doing twenty minutes a day!)

I am still ridiculously lacking in motivation… not been doing great recently, so that’s been fun. It feels a bit like wading through treacle? I had a conversation with my partner about anti-depressants, anyhow, which I Do Not Want To Go Back On but if the swings get too bad then I may. We’ll see.

And finally: the groan that goes around the Editorial Team when someone risks asking, “So, is this a series…?” confirms this meme!

5 Happy Things: June 2019

All of the happy things for June 2019! Except the weather. What happened to the sunshine?! (Well, apart from one brief day. It’s like it decided to remind everyone what we were missing…)

1.Llama llama?

Llama presents - card & notebook A lovely friend has sent me all the llamas! (And a nature-y notebook, which is lined and lovely.)

It’s actually the same friend who sent me the brooch; it’s a bit of an odd friendship, but so far, I think we’re making it work! It’s really nice to get cards in the post anyhow, and I’ve been sending them things too – and now this means I get to choose and send another ridiculous card! How does one improve on llamas? A sloth, maybe?

2.Panic Attacks

Not a happy thing per se; I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had for a while this month, set off by what should have been a small stress – but if nothing else, it did show me that I can cope with them! My partner was amazing too, which helped so much. It sucks to have one and I’m so frustrated that after so long of feeling ok, my brain is being dumb… but I know that I can cope.

3.I finished a story!

Actually, I’ve finished all the stories! I’ve uploaded the final installment of The Summer Knight on Wattpad, which means my Dresden Files writing is now done. It starts at The Envoy if you want some quick reading in an urban fantasy universe!

4.DIY

We built a thing! The fences in the garden had blown down a few months back in the bad storm, and I’d deconstructed them (well, the wind did most of it) and stacked the wood… and then had an idea to built a bike shelter out of them to keep the rain (and pigeon poop) off the bikes. So we spent a sunny Saturday out in the garden with a saw and a tape measure and various spiders and woodlice and a lot of screws, and we built a thing! It felt so good to be using those skills again, and to be able to look at something and go “yes, I see the problem, we need MOAR SCREWS” because over-engineering something is always the best solution.

Well, it was either that or duct tape.

And on a side note for a happy thing; being out in the garden. It’s lovely dappled shade and it was beautiful.

5.Llama llama lllama lllllama

I blame Sean at work.

A Quick Wednesday Update

I’ve had bad anxiety for the past few days – never sure if the nightmares set it off or it causes nightmares, or both just go round in circles… but it’s just a Bad Brain which got particularly bad last night, and left me in a heap.

Today’s been a little better, albeit rather shaky; work’s absolutely lovely about it and I have wonderful and supportive co-workers (even if one of the support methods is an unexpected bag of Haribo dropped in front of me; that made me jump!) And I had a good cry on my partner at lunchtime when they hit me with something lovely that released a tangle, so that helped whack a few of the weasels occupying my brain.

So hopefully on the up from it now; still shaky, just had cereal for dinner (because it beats not eating) and going to do some self-care this evening, but the world’s looking a bit better.

Ps. I’m writing! Snippets of characters, but there’s writing there!

sloth by neil slorance