Tag Archives: mentalhealth

A Kate Update: March 2020

Long time no post, I know….

It feels like lots has happened, but nothing has; I haven’t had anything I’ve felt like writing about, and yet there has been so much going on! I’ve got a couple of posts swirling about books I’ve bought and some random thoughts about submissions and what it takes to be an editor, I need to do a happy things post, you obviously need more pictures of Bobble

The immediate updates for the general Apocalypse that’s going on: Cymera has been cancelled (sad, but understandable!) and I’m waiting to hear about on Can*Con in October. We’re not travelling at all this year before Can*Con (and I sincerely hope most people aren’t) so trying to use the time to get bits done on the house, and catch up on my reading. We spent a lovely afternoon in the garden today, putting a new fence up! Oh, the thrilling life of an editor…

A sleeping catI’m currently still working at the office in Oxford; I did try working from home, but it completely messed my brain up (hi panic attack!) so I’m going into work for as long as I can. Considering that about 3/4 of the office are working from home we’re doing ok on social distancing, and I walk so don’t see anyone during my commute, I think it’s the best compromise I can do at the moment. Obviously if I get symptoms etc, or anything changes, I’ll be self-isolating… but for now it seems to be working. I’m feeling horribly guilty, but a lot of that is residual “it’s just mental health, of course you can fix it!” and my partner has been incredibly supportive, so we’re just doing day by day at the moment.

I’m generally not feeling a lot better in terms of mental health, too; still very scatty, a bit grey, struggling to focus. I keep forgetting things – as an aside, I estimate I’ve lost about a third of my early memories over the last five years or so – and I’m very much relying on routine and notes to keep me up-to-date with everything, because some days everything goes in one ear and out the other! However, I am feeling a bit more settled; commuting on my own seems to be helping, as does the better weather. Fingers crossed that it continues.

I’m trying to read more; play more games; relax more. Freelance work is sort of screwing most of those objectives, but hey ho! That’s what you get when everyone suddenly has time on their hands to finish that novel they always meant to write….

Stay safe, stay well, and have a cat asleep in the sunshine to brighten your day!

A black cat asleep in the sunshine on a knitted rug

A Few More Spoons

I had two weeks off. I slept (a bit), I read (a bit). I did chores. I got a walk in every day. I went for coffee with new people at the community centre (scary!) and helped clean radiators and got my foot sniffed by a cat. I took a bunch of stuff to the dump and to charity. I saw my work colleagues several times, which was wonderful and really helped with going back this week. I ate sushi and mochi. I picked up thirty-five pallets and got them back to the house and somehow got them round to the garden (they’re going to be a fence). I played computer games. I saw friends and had amazing afternoon tea. I definitely didn’t rest as much as I should have, but when do I ever?

I did break, and spent an entire day in bed, exhausted and aching and overwhelmed by the thought of getting up. I did spend quite a few hours on the sofa, curled up in blankets and trying not to think. I did have to frequently shout at weasels. But the hollow space inside me isn’t quite as large as it was previously, and I’ve got a few more spoons available. I’m not better, or well; but I’m better than I was.

I’ve got some book reviews to do; I’ve got some thoughts to write up. I’ve got things swirling around inside my brain that haven’t quite made it into Sensible Thoughts yet, but we’ll get there.

ALSO I’VE GOT BOOKS TO TELL YOU ABOUT. I BOUGHT BOOKS! (I’ll do a separate update, but they are all amazing and I can’t wait to squeak.)

And it’s not one of mine, but The Unspoken Name is now out – seriously, go and buy it, and then yell at Kass about Tal, because Tal. Also is Harrow on your TBR yet? It should be.

And my person and I put pictures up on walls, so I now have six of my GreenSky covers lining the hallway at the flat. I cried when we put the first one up. It feels a little more like somewhere I can be, now.

It’s spring on Willow Walk; there’s snowdrops and streams and catkins, and one tiny crocus poking up by our garden gate. I’m back at work, picking up the pieces of my inbox and giving David donuts to say thank you. Picking up relationships. Picking up reading. Trying to figure out what’s important.

(Like whomping the boardgames group at Carcassonne on my first day back, because that’s definitely important.)

Right now, it’s just to keep stepping onwards and stepping forwards. I’m still on shaky ground, but I’m upright and balancing. I’ve got this. I can keep going.

Snowdrops in an open woodland, February 2020

A mini Kate Update – February 2020

You may have noticed that I’ve been a bit quiet – sorry! I’m currently off work for two weeks (well, a week now) as my medication is kicking my butt; I hate being off work but the doctor suggested it as the one stress we could remove, just to see if everything settles down. The medication is working, which is good; I mean, not having feels isn’t great but it’s better than having too many. The problem is that it’s currently letting the weasels have free reign, and I’m having trouble shouting them down constantly. A week of sleep has helped a little (I’m also ridiculously tired, struggling to get out of bed, finding sitting upright hard… all the usual fun) so I’m hoping another week of sleep will help, and then getting back into the routine of work.

A gardener chasing after a goose that has stolen his radioI’m pretty much out of options so I’m keeping on this course; I know the first six months are the hardest, and I’m fighting something that’s been entrenching itself over the past fifteen years. The rest of my life stresses have mostly got better and I’ve been able to haul the growing depressions out, so it’s just the roots I’ve got to dig out now! I hope, anyway. Gonna keep going. Gotta keep going. That’s pretty much it.

There are a few rays of light; I had an idea for a game, and as Otter has been creating a simple little detective game, I had a chat to them about the possibilities of actually learning to make it. I’ve also managed to read a little, even if it is books I’ve read before. I’m also managing to Cope With Occasional People, and my foot got sniffed by a very snooty cat, so that’s progress. I’m also being aided in The Fortnight of Rest by Blue Planet 2, shortbread, amazing friends and terrible memes, so that’s all helpful… I haven’t really had the focus for reading or playing computer games, although Otter did turn into a Horrible Goose earlier in the week, which was hilarious. (It’s an amazing game and if you haven’t played it, you should.)

Beyond that – I’m just keeping going, and taking each day as it comes!