Tag Archives: argh

Dresden Files fanfic – gettin’ it out there!

Ok. So. Having had several lovely comments on a Dresden-Files-ish short story (Winter’s Loan), a kick from both PandaFries and Thalamas, and a good day, I took my courage in both hands and jumped.

While I have previously posted some of my Dresden Files fanfic around the RPG I played up until last year, I’ve never had the courage to post more than snippets. But, since this weekend, the first few complete parts of my Dresden Files fanfic is up on Wattpad, and I’m going to be trying to post another bit each week – probably Saturdays.

And holy f*** does this take more courage than I thought I had. It’s ridiculously exciting – I was on top of the world on Saturday and didn’t shut up thanks to overflowing happy energy (sorry, Swindon FreeWriters) but it’s also terrifying.

I loved these characters. I lived them for over two years. I had them in my head and in my life. I wrote so many words of game write-up or extra story…this is a bit of my heart and my soul, and I’m terrified of putting it out there because I feel so small, and so completely and absolutely judged. I’m scared of what people reading are going to think of me. I’m scared of what it says about me (apart from the fact I have a knack for putting my characters in mean situations). I’m scared of what anyone who reads is going to think. It was fiction, yes, but it was choices that I made for my characters – and having almost lived the situations, I can’t stay as removed from it as I can with my other writing. I was there, having those arguments, laughing at the antics. With the game, at least, it’s not just in my head – and while most of these pieces are just character extrapolations from that (certainly the romance and sex scenes would be a bit of a different roleplay style from the one we played, and probably require less clothing) it’s still got that heart-string tug.

But…I love it. Re-reading, I can’t stop smiling. I love it. And I want to share it.

It will only be the Dresden Files Swindon game that will get shared, and I’m still taking that one story at a time, so there may end up being pieces I don’t put up. I won’t ever be sharing any of the wolfpack games; while I wish with all my heart that I could share Ryan’s writing with you, I can’t get his permission, and I don’t think he’d want it shared. I absolutely adore it – but it’s his, not mine. And so that will stay locked.

But as for everything else… *deep breath* I can do this. I can. So, keep an eye out on Wattpad for new stories, and absolutely please, honestly, tell me what you think!

2017: The Year of Shit

love 'em shoot 'em front coverSeriously, this year has been crap, on a personal level as well as a political level.

I lost my best friend, separated from my partner, moved house and city, started a new job, left that job, started another new job (as a freelancer, ARGH), had a few family stresses, and I miss my cat. I’ve had a nice wallop of depression, anxiety and insecurity as well as imposter syndrome, and frankly, I’m feeling pretty shit about it all. On a wider level, current events are scaring me; I feel like the world is spiralling out of control, and everyone seems so bloody horrible. It’s hard for me to understand the sheer level of hatred that seems to be the norm, and the wilful destruction of so much of the world just seems insane. I’ve had to back away from the news for the sake of my sanity, even though I want to do something – I just don’t know what’s going to help.

On the writing front, it’s been pretty shit too. I halted NaNoWriMo as the book I wanted to write wasn’t ready to be written; I’ve shelved No Man’s Land after twenty failed subs; there’s been a delay in publishing the next GreenSky book thanks to factors outside my control; and I haven’t been able to write the books that are sitting in my head, or even the short stories that I’d love to get out there.

But *takes a deep breath* that isn’t everything. I know it isn’t.

I’ve got a lovely new home, and an incredibly supportive family. I’ve landed on my feet with a job and time to just recover; even with the double wallop of depression and life, I’ve still been blogging, talking to people and managing to work. I’m reconnecting with old friends and working on making new ones. I’ve been watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, started yoga, found a kitten and gave him to a good home, read a bunch-load of really good books, and I’m still doing new things, little by little.

empty skies and sunlight front coverAnd on the writing front, Empty Skies and Sunlight was published, along with several short stories. I’ve edited one anthology (Terra Nullius, out next year) and assisted with more edits, proofreads and beta-reads than I can count. I’ve signed a three-novella deal under another name (no, I’m not going to tell you about that under this one, sorry!) and written & edited those novellas, and I’ve had several short stories published, both under this name and the other.  I haven’t got as far as I wanted to, but I’ve kept going. I’ve kept writing.

I’m feeling incredibly lost right now, and incredibly low. I can’t find my path; I’m just wandering, unsure of what to write or what to do. I feel like I’m making constant wrong decisions, and I’m still filtering through everything that’s happened in the past few years. I’m watching the world burn and trying to find something to do to let people know that not everyone thinks like the headlines, and that there are people who disagree with the current trend of events, but I feel like one tiny voice in the mass and I’m not strong enough to get heard. I’m scared for the future, both my own and the wider world; I’m trying to piece back together everything that I want to keep, without knowing exactly what’s going to help me in the future.

But I’m going to make plans for 2018. I’m going to spend a few months just getting myself back on my feet, pushing myself forward. I don’t know if it’s the right direction, but at least it will be a direction. And that’s all I can do.

I’ve had a Year of Shit, but I’ve got through it alive. I’ve taken it one day at a time, and I’ve reached the end. That is the biggest thing I’ve achieved this year. I’ve got to the end.

I’m going to do a post in a bit about my aims for 2018; at least if I put them down, then I might work on them!

‘Research’ vs ‘Doing Nothing On The Internet’

As I haven’t been feeling well this week, I’ve been aimlessly scrolling on the internet for a larger chunk of it than I normally would. I usually try to stop myself, because I don’t feel it’s productive…I mean, it’s not actual work, is it? It’s just consuming other people’s tantrums and dramas, seeing what someone ate for breakfast (why should I care?) and catching up on what the Kardashians are doing (although all I know about them is that Kim has a famous ass). Social media isn’t beneficial and definitely isn’t work, if you follow the cliches of society. I really should be doing something more productive and creative.

And then I actually thought about that line of reasoning.

My last two story ideas came from something I saw on Rejected Princesses, and a story on Twitter. I know I’m picking up bits and pieces of information as I scroll – archaeology, history, modern places, people’s reactions, photographs. Yes, there’s a lot that’s not immediately useful, and I think I do still need to limit the time I spend ‘doing nothing’.

But actually, this is research. This is stepping back, and letting the world come in – and it is the world! It’s the voices from outside my quiet streets, outside the slice of life I interact with every day. I need this to pop my bubble and remind me there are a multitude of ways of thinking, speaking, talking, living. Admittedly it’s often hard to read and there’s a lot of shit, but I’m lucky that I follow and know some enthusiastic, passionate and interesting people, and every day they teach me something new.

It’s not creation, but it is connection. It’s not doing the jigsaw but it’s collecting the tiles that will one day make one. It’s not talking to ‘real’ people – but it’s connecting to strangers on the far side of the world who become friends, and sharing passions across huge divides. It’s not getting out in the fresh air, but it is seeing pictures of places that I can never hope to visit – ancient, futuristic, or just on the far side of the world.

So I’m just scrolling through the pages, yes. But I’m also researching.

All change…again

I would say that life seems to be going out of its way to screw me over this year, but most of it is my own doing! So, the short version of “What Kate Is Up To THIS Time” – I am…

  • Quitting my current job;
  • Moving house in October;
  • Taking over a typesetting business (BookPolishers.com – more info on that when we’ve got more of the details sorted!)
  • Still doing editing and proofreading – they’ll be included in the above;
  • Causing general havoc!

This was all meant to be happening sometime later when I’d gotten settled a bit more, but the typesetting came up, and I figured it’s worth a go. I’m going to be doing it as an official business, so I’m currently in the midst of setting up a company, bank accounts, software, hardware, all that sort of thing….

I’m part scared, part excited, part just struggling as usual. I had an interesting talk to my friend Sophie when I told her; she was ridiculously excited (although if you haven’t met Sophie, this is her usual state of being) and thought it was brilliant that I was chasing my dream. I just feel like I’ve failed at yet another thing, as I’m quitting a job I wanted to be stable and successful in. The new business is exciting, yes, but it’s really hard for me to see it as a good step. But as usual, my brain’s being a complete moron. It’s a big step, yes, but it is a good one – I was so excited when I found out I’d got the business, and even stupidly complicated tasks like setting up the bank account have been worthwhile. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to be stressful, but it’s going to be both of those in a good way! I’ve got so much to learn, but at the same time, I’ve been realising how much I know already. So it is going to be good 🙂

I’m still around this month (September), planning and packing, but I’ve got the moving van booked and dug the boxes out of the store room, so I will be moving in the second week of October. If anyone’s got any advice, helpful hints, doomsday warnings or bad jokes to brighten the tedium of packing, send ’em over!

I’m still writing and all of that, so everything else is still going. Also, I’ve still got a few more random plans in the works, so I’m afraid I can’t promise that the chaos is over quite yet… *happy Kate dance*

Motivation and Getting On With It

I was trying to work out today what motivates me to write. I’m in a bit of a slump at the moment – I’m not feeling inspired and struggling to motivate myself, despite having time to actually write (and read, and research…)

It’s not finishing something. That’s great, but it doesn’t give me a satisfaction, doesn’t give me a buzz; it’s just another step, because I know that even if I’ve finished something, then I’ve gotta send it to a reader and then edit and then re-edit and then…it’s just another step in the process.

Wordcount doesn’t motivate me, either. It always feels too close to the NaNo 50k or bust thing; it doesn’t matter if they’re good words, just words. And frankly, that just annoys me, because if I write shit words then I’ll just end up rewriting, so what’s the point? I can appreciate that it’s good at some stages of a writing journey, but for me, I’d rather not write than write shit that I’m just going to have to redo later.

Ideas? Sure, I have a few things that I think “hey, that’d make a great story”…but unless it’s there, it’s got the inspiration behind it, then it just sits. I’ve got quite a lot of snippets and odd fragments of story that have never got further than that “hey, that’s a cool idea” stage.

So what does motivate me? I guess, as far as I can work out, it’s getting the voices out of my head. It’s writing a story that needs to be told. I can have a great idea, but it needs to live. I need the characters in my head. I have no idea what the process is that puts them there, but it’s something I try to make sure I have it when I write.

So…at this stage, I guess the best I can do is just keep going. I’m re-reading my work in progress(es), trying to see if I can continue with any of them even with my current slump. I think there’s one that I can continue, so…

This freakin’ sucks. But hey, such is a writer’s life with a screwey brain. Some days, I have everyone shouting in my head – other days, I just get tumbleweed.