Tag Archives: argh

Random thoughts from a week on anti-depressants

Very random thought: do I want to do NaNoWriMo? Have I even got anything to write? (Currently, no. but I’m not ruling it out.)

Books books books BOOKS books. (I may be reading Gideon The Ninth. EEEEEEEEEEEEH.)

Side-effects of anti-depressants so far:

  • Additional happiness. I’m boppy. Happy. Dancing. W.T.F.
  • Talking at triple speed, complete with lots of hand waving
  • Dizziness
  • Extra-hard crashes when I run out of food energy
  • Slight muscle aches – sort of like general tiredness, but like gravity’s extra heavy
  • Green poop (ok, that one might have been blue food colouring. Do you know it turns your poop green?)
  • BAKING. ALL OF THE BAKING. (My colleagues are very happy.)

Random thoughts on side effects:

So far, the worst side effect has actually been the fuzziness; I feel like I’m wrapped in cotton wool and having to wade through it to do anything, including think. My words are usually slightly absent (if you didn’t know, which I didn’t until a year ago, memory loss is a side effect of long-term depression – and it explains a lot about the way I can’t always think of words and don’t have a lot of long-term memories!) but they’ve been more absent than usual at the moment. No eloquent soliloquies for me! BAH.

The most painful side effect has been the crashes. I’m used to a fairly slow (a couple of hours) onset of “need to eat”, and at the moment it’s down to about an hour;  I can be fine, push through, and then WHOMP I’m into shaky territory, and it takes about an hour to pull myself back up even after I have eaten. It’s annoying, and I keep forgetting about it! DOUBLE BAH. Luckily I do always keep snacks around but it’s just frustrating (and painful.)

However – AUTUMN! Autumn is here! It’s been lovely to have golden sunshine and I adore chilly mornings; there’s something about breathing cold air when the sky’s bright blue and the sun’s shining through the trees that is lovely. Even the rain is good; I like hearing it splotting down. (Good word, splotting.) And we’ve put the extra thick duvet on the bed and it’s like sleeping under a pillow. It’s amazing.

Also: three o’clock is seriously the worst time of the day. It goes so slowly!

NAPS ROCK.

That is all.

Worldcon 2019: A bit of a shaky start!

So… I’m at WorldCon 2019 for the next few days, and I’m struggling a lot already. Due to a bunch of factors I’m not here as an official Rebellion person, which is simultaneously making me feel guilty for not helping enough with prep/panels/author signings and giving me major imposter syndrome as I don’t feel I can introduce myself as part of a team I’m not really acting on behalf of at the moment. I’m also struggling with my memory issues (15 years of depression has left me with blanks and problems recalling things, which usually I compensate for – if you know me, you know I love my go-to lists and calendar!) but it’s always highlighted in huge social situations when I can’t always recall a name/face/book/connection as fast as I want for the conversation…

And then add in a dose of social anxiety and feeling like I’m just saying and doing all the wrong things, me feeling like a very small fish in a very big pond where I don’t know many people personally so am struggling with conversations, anxieties with food that mean I’m not always managing to eat when I need to, introvert exhaustion that means I don’t feel I can attend all the events I want to/should/could, professional and personal worries that I’m not seeing the right people/meeting People I Should Know/chatting to anyone I do already know…

I’m just feeling like a tiny fractured mess hiding in a corner and waving a small flag that says “I do like books, honest!”

It is just me, though: the Rebellion crew have been absolutely fantastic and everyone’s been absolutely lovely and so welcoming, and the con’s been friendly and open and looks interesting, so I don’t think there’s anything anyone else can do – I just need to keep going and keep talking to people! Had some lovely conversations yesterday and it was really great to meet some people I only know from email or books, so I just need to hold on to the highlights and take time out when I need it…

But if you are here and do spot me, come say hi. I am feeling very lost and would appreciate a friendly face to help wave the “I like books, honest!” flag.

(Probably wearing another ridiculous slogan today – likely “Books: helping introverts avoid conversation”!)

(Already having so many anxiety worries over even saying any of this, but… bah! I’m going to be ok. More tea, and then just go do things!)

Writer’s Block: Building Your Sandcastle

Have you heard the thing about writing a first draft; it’s like piling sand into the bucket, and the second draft is then building the castle?

My writer’s block at the moment feels like the sand is that really hot, dry sand you get sometimes at the beach; the sand that slips and slides and just falls through your fingers when you pick it up.

So I can grasp a handful, but it just trickles through my fingers: and even if I did manage to get it into the bucket, I’d tip it out into my castle and it would just melt away again.

I’ve got the ideas; but I can’t put them together into anything. I can’t flesh out the bones: every word is a grain of sand picked up and put in the bucket, and then taken out again.

Here’s hoping the tide comes in, and then there’s some damp sand again!

Image via Pexels.

WorldCon! Dublin 2019

I’m going to WorldCon 2019! I’m terribly disorganised with it (I’m tagging along with work, although I am technically there on my own, so David’s been doing most of the organisation) and I’m not on any panels, but I’m going to be there!

The schedule is also available now – and runs to a silly number of pages. I’m quite glad I’m not involved, but at the same time, I want to do EVERYTHING.

ARGH.

I think I’m officially booked for Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights; I’ve got a few people I want to meet (some face-to-face for the first time, which is going to be exciting!) but beyond that, I am FREEEEE!

Space fabric

So if any of you lovely folk (ok, any of my authors/agents/random people I know on Twitter) want to actually meet me, ping me an email 🙂

Also, I’m going to try to get my Space Skirts finished. It’s either that or I’ll be wandering around in a foxy one for some of the time!

(I’m also going between “this is going to be so fun!” and “ohFUCK I have to talk to people?!” so I’m a bit nervous about it… but it’ll be fine.)