Realising Sexuality: Demisexual

About ten years ago I kept spotting the word “demisexual” cropping up on the interwebs, and looked it up.

And you know when you get one of those “wait, that’s ME. That explains SO MUCH.”

(By the way, if you’ve never had one of those, that’s just because most of society is coded to you. Spare a thought for those who do go through life wondering why they are slightly the wrong shape, or how anyone can actually enjoy sitting in the sun, as my Aunt says.)

Demisexual just means you need an emotional connection to someone before you’re attracted to them. It means you’re more often friends with someone first, and turn it into a relationship once you realise you have a deeper attraction. It means you can often appreciate that someone is good-looking, but can’t understand how someone could just jump into bed with them. (I never understand one-night stands. Just… to me they’re a bit ick. How?!) It means you don’t often have the honeymoon stage, because it happens more slowly. Apparently it’s also sometimes put into the asexual category? I’m not sure what to think of that.

(I also admit wanted “demisexual” to be something to do with demi-gods, as that would be cool, but it’s not.)

And – for anyone who read the article, you’re not weird. It’s just not the standard attraction mechanism that’s shown in films, books, TV; it’s not The Way Things Are. But just because it’s not in the standard narrative doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

As a friend commented when they researched the term; “It made me cry when I first read [the article] because it described the experience of a lifetime to me that I thought no-one else could relate to.”

So there you are. Another piece of interesting stuff for a Friday!

Author: kate

Kate Coe is an editor, book reviewer and writer of fiction & fantasy. She writes the sparkpunk GreenSky series and blogs at When she's not working, she fills her spare time in between writing with web design, gaming, geeky cross-stitch and DIY (which may or may not involve destroying things). She also reads far fewer books that she would like to, but possibly more than she really has time for.

2 thoughts on “Realising Sexuality: Demisexual”

  1. I always hate those scenes in movies where the characters get down to some kind of sex at enormous speed, ripping off clothes (or often not even that) and thrusting away. Ick, indeed! And profoundly unsexy. I guess the film-maker has limited time and wants to indicate passion, but it doesn’t work for me.

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