Contains me and mental health – if you’re not into that, I can highly recommend r/aww!
The phrase “life goes on” is one of those horrible trite ones that I hate, but unfortunately, it’s true. The rest of the world doesn’t really care too much what’s happened to individuals; the planet keeps turning. But I’ve been doing ok even though I really miss my friend, and the reason is actually a pretty shit one. This feels normal.
Tightness in my chest. Grey fog. Unable to concentrate. Crying repeatedly. Wanting to just curl up and ignore the world. Breaking it down to coping with a single day, a single hour. And periods of being ok, being fine, forgetting…until something hammers in again and the fog comes back.
This feels like depression.
Actually, this feels better, because I know the reason; I’ve got a focus for it. Usually, I’d have no other cause than “life sucks and my brain has decided that I can’t cope with putting socks on”. (It happens. Socks are harder work than they sound.)
Anyway, I’m also going on anti-depressants again – I had an awful Christmas (I was suicidal for two days, for the first time in months) and home life circumstances mean I’m ok to go on them for a bit. So that should help, once I’ve gotten over the week of side effects. Bleh!
But overall…I’m eating and sleeping. I’m able to write. I can mostly focus. So for a depressive episode, it’s actually not too bad. I know it will pass, as time slowly chips away at everything. It’s just waiting for that to happen that sucks.
Back to the grindstone, anyway. Even if my brain has decided to be mildly screwy, I’ve still got writing to do!