Givin’ up. And that’s fine!
A friend commented recently about my laid-back attitude to writing. I was chatting about writing thing, and commented that I’ve got a few things on the go, but for now…I’m not writing. But there’s no angst; I’m not particularly bothered. When I feel like writing again, I’ll write.
It basically comes down to practicality. I could write. I could sit and drag every sentence out of my brain. I could get the words down. But it would, frankly, make for a shit story. I have ideas, thoughts, bubbles – but the jigsaw pieces aren’t fitting together. I could make it look ok, ish, but….
I don’t have a problem with stepping back. I’ve got editing work and proofreading work and I’m still thinking about everything – I’m currently pondering names for No Man’s Land, thinking about the Tudor period, storing little autumnal images in my brain for later use, people-watching to see what I can store. Nothing’s going to waste. It’s just that currently, I’m not in a state to output it as I want to. And that’s not oh-my-god-it’s-going-to-be-shit or writer paralysis: it’s just practical for me. I know, after 15 years of writing, how I work best. And working when my brain is depression-fogged and broken is not the best time to get work out of it.
I also don’t see NaNo as a competition. I never have, since I break the rules regularly (novella writer!) and, frankly, competition doesn’t float my boat. I don’t give a crap who’s written more words (and friendly banter on the first day this year gave me a panic attack, thinking that everyone hated me) so honestly, I’m not a good NaNo candidate. I’ll leave the pushing onwards to everyone who does care, and for the time being, just do what I need to.
So I’m shelving the project, and I’m waiting. I don’t currently have a story that I want to tell – and that’s fine. I’ll just keep thinking, and one will come.