Kites and Memories

Just random musings…because this is my blog, damnit, and I can write what I want.

ryan flying kiteIt sometimes feels as if he’s not gone, not really. He’s another one of the people that I’ve left behind, going on to live their own lives without me; someone I can look up on Facebook, or text, or bump into; someone who’s going to different places and doing new things; someone I said goodbye to (or, in one or two cases, some version of “fuck you”) and walked away from – but they’re still there, in life as well as in memory.

And then I remember he’s not. And usually swear.

Derpy’s still on my desk at work, and I still occasionally stumble across a photo of him on my computer and call him an idiot. I still wonder what he would have made of my life here, and the amazing people who fill it. But hey ho, what ifs.

There’s a line in Mary Renault’s The Persian Boy that has always resonated with me: Bagoas talking about Alexander – “I am older, now, than my lord in his glass coffin.” Just the idea that we only get so far, and then the rest of the world carries on – and overtakes us. Not that he was older than me, but…the idea that I’ve carried on, changed so much, and he won’t ever get a chance to do any of it now. I know, it’s not a new idea, but they’re always given more poignancy by a reality.

The reason I’m currently musing is that I got given a kite a while back by my aunt, who knew what he meant to me, and knew how much fun we’d had flying our rainbow-striped one, currently up on my wall in Salisbury and waiting to come here. It’s a tiny travel kite and I can’t wait to find somewhere to fly it – and so I’m going to spend some time with a kite trailing behind me and the ghost of my friend running alongside, laughing as we watch it dance.

I think he’s going to end up in some writing soon as well. There’s been more Dresden world in my head, and I want to play with more characters…so I hope he’ll be the inspiration for one of them.

So. Gone, but never forgotten. And I get to fly a kite sometime soon.