Grief: one year on

Wolf by Paul in Seattle
From http://wolvesbystrangers.com/images/from-paul-in-seattle1.jpg

I don’t think it ever fades. It heals, but even as you run your fingers over there’s always a scar. The memories are woven into my fabric and I can’t ever forget, not completely.

I’m still angry. I still want to scream at him. On the bad days, it’s why did you get to do that and I didn’t? Why did you take my chance away? How could you stop fighting, when I can’t? On the good days it’s why couldn’t I help? Why didn’t I see? Why didn’t you just come back one last time?

And every time, there’s a heartbeat of uncertainty. Did you know? How long were you planning it? Did you lie to me?

I miss him. It’s not every day, now – I’m somewhere different, in a different life, a different place and time. In many ways, it now just feels like another strand to the loss. It’s not as biting, it’s not as fierce; it’s just another tug amongst many others. I usually think of him when I find things I want to share – a board game, a place, a joke. I recently discovered that there’s crossover Dresden Files and My Little Pony fanfic, which I’m not sure if he would have loved or hated, but I would have liked to find out!

I haven’t played Dresden – or any other rpg. I haven’t touched the files. I can’t face those worlds again; I can’t pick up the stories. That’s a scar that I don’t dare touch until it’s healed a little more, even though the loss stings bitterly.

I’m still in touch with his mother almost every day; there’s going to be a memorial tree in Cirencester Memorial Gardens, and Claire and I went down to the lock gates a few months ago so that she could see come on our favourite walk. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and we spent several hours sitting on the gates and talking! But I’ve moved away and he’s not here, much as I’d like him to have been; I think he would have liked Salisbury.

It’s been a year. I’m still angry. And I’m still hurt. But it’s slowly, slowly healing.

Author: kate

Kate Coe is an editor, book reviewer and writer of fiction & fantasy. She writes the sparkpunk GreenSky series and blogs at writingandcoe.co.uk. When she's not working, she fills her spare time in between writing with web design, gaming, geeky cross-stitch and DIY (which may or may not involve destroying things). She also reads far fewer books that she would like to, but possibly more than she really has time for.