On depression and suicide

Contains me. If you don’t like it, try pictures of kittens. And a TL;DR – I’m not doing great but I am ok, and I will continue to be ok, even if I’m struggling a bit right now.

 

For a moment, just take in your surroundings. Breathe the air and the scents. Appreciate the sunlight or daylight or the room you’re in. Feel the ground and the fabric of your clothing. Just listen to voices or silence.

I’d hope that a moment of just being would make you smile.

It doesn’t for me. It doesn’t feel anything.

The morning yesterday was absolutely beautiful; frosty and sunny and clear. I was out with my housemate, and all I could feel was grey. I could see it was beautiful, but I couldn’t feel anything. It may as well have been a blank wall.

I’m half here at the moment, half alive and half dipping beneath the surface. Sometimes the world gets too overwhelming but right now I’m just tired. I’m struggling to focus or to cope with an existence I don’t really want, don’t know what to do with…I’m too tired and ragged and grey to know how to write much of what’s going on.

I’ll be all right tomorrow, or the day after. I’ll find duvet and curl up, or watch a film, or try to read. I’ll get a walk and some fresh air, and talk to my housemate and the cat, and still be here tomorrow.

But it’s hard, when the grey’s everything.

The decision to commit suicide isn’t one decision. It’s tens and hundreds of decisions, made over a lifetime, all of them answering the question, “Do I want to live?”

So far, the answer has been yes.

It’s never a sudden decision. It’s never a surprise thing. This decision has been mulled over and considered and re-chosen a hundred times.

So far, the answer has been I want to live.

And I am terrified – scared to my heart and my soul – that one day the answer will be no; that the pain of living and of continuing to breathe and exist will not outweigh the fierce desire for emptiness and stillness and an end to all that pain.

So far, the answer has been today, I will live.

Tomorrow, I don’t know what the answer will be.

But as I said to a friend a few days ago; one step at a time. I will keep deciding, and hope that the answer continues to be yes.

One thought on “On depression and suicide

  1. Keep finding the strength to say “yes” to life and “sod it” to the grey,the grey doesn’t deserve to win – the grey SHALL NOT WIN

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