A short piece I wrote after a decision had been made – not really for anything, just here for your interest.
I sometimes wonder if it’s something of a relief to have a decision made for you; to have the choices taken out of your hands, to have the waiting ended. It’s a point in time where everything stops being a myriad path of possibilities and instead becomes something that you can step onto.
I’ve never found anything good in waiting. Anticipation…I suppose it suits some people. But anticipating something good always seems to come with a hefty dose of planning for me. Waiting is something else – it’s outside my control, it’s a removal of agency. I’m hesitating until I find out what my part will be, what reaction to give, what role I have to play.
And then it’s all solved. I’m handed my part; I’m given the solution. My agency is removed, and the frustration transforms into emotion. That’s almost as hard, in a way, but at least it’s concrete. I can feel anger. I’m justified in my sadness. I’m allowed my grief, my guilt, my relief.
The uncertainty of waiting is over.